


Vulpine Interference

by Chaos_Greymistchild



Category: Kick-Ass (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-29 00:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20787584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Greymistchild/pseuds/Chaos_Greymistchild
Summary: A zenko-kitsune is tasked with watching over the spiritually-aware humans and non-humans in a certain city.Unfortunately they are also shackled with the task of making sure the 'superheroes' and 'supervillains' in that city never step too far out of line.





	Vulpine Interference

**Author's Note:**

> I was just SO SUPER SALTY at the Kick-Ass 2 movie when I watched it so.... I wrote this. Also, kitsunegeddon.

This must be Inari-sama's punishment for playing tricks on those peasants all those decades ago, Yuki Inada, three-tailed vulpine messenger and servant of the great Inari-sama, reflected despairingly. Not only was her stuck with a long patrol in the Human World, he was also supposed to be all visible and ‘heroic’ about it. While tailing a 19-year-old-human whelp! Still, he was rather proud of the way he had integrated so smoothly into the press of humanity and the contacts they had established both between the spiritually-aware, hanyou, and human-world-residing youkai they had been assigned to watch over _and_ the humans who had no idea who they were that they were to guard from the more malevolent spirits.

But that didn’t mean that they were anywhere near pleased with being instructed to watch over that fool boy and his equally rash companions. Especially when they went ahead and pulled this sort of stunt.

“Don’t, boy,” they rapped him on the back of the head with their war fan.

“Wha--” the boy yelped. “Nogitsune?”

“Indeed,” she agreed, fan already back in place to mask her face, as was only proper.

“Who are you?” Colonel Stars and Stripes asked, baton pointed straight at her.

She bowed ever-so-slightly. “Nogitsune,” they answered. “I helped Kick-Ass out a few years ago. I tailed him to call in that favour and ended up here.” Their lip curled. “Amidst a bunch of untrained, optimistic, rash fools who have no idea what it is to walk into the dark and deadly and to wallow in it, to dive deep into evil and filth every damn day just for the small glimmering chance that you might save another from nightmares, pain, and grief.”

They took a deep, sighing breath, flicked their fan open again and hid behind it. “Come on Kick-Ass, we’re leaving.”

“No.”

The boy was resolute in his foolishness, it seemed.

“You are but a boy,” she snarled, her fan snapping shut a sharp counterpoint. “You don’t know anything about this world you’ve stepped so carelessly into. And don’t think _you’re_ getting away scot-free either,” he jabbed his fan at ‘Battle Guy’, who seemed to be sinking lower and lower into his seat with every world out of his mouth. “I’ll get back to you at another time.” Yuki turned back to Kick-Ass. “Give me _one_ good reason not to knock you out and dump you at your house butt-naked.”

“I’ve been training with Hit-Girl. She tossed me at a gang a couple days—”

“I heard.”

She let out an explosive sigh. “That is a good reason,” she said reluctantly. “Where is she then? Not off playing with her guns, I hope?”

“She retired.”

“You will not budge?”

“If it helps,” Colonel Stars and Stripes interrupted, “we would love to have you as part of Justice Forever and you could keep an eye on our two younger members that way.”

Yuki eyed off the shocked but hopeful members of that ridiculous sounding ‘superhero’ team, the surprisingly solid stance his charge had taken up, and then again at Colonel Stars and Stripes. She sighed. Her charge didn’t look like he was going to back down any time soon and it wasn’t like he was a _complete_ innocent. The boy had participated in a firefight, killed, and been tortured and nearly killed. And he hadn’t broken under that baffling fragility that humans showed towards death and suffering either.

Plus, she wasn’t allowed to... forcibly change a human’s mind anymore. Not after that incident in New York a while back.

Resignation flooded them. “Jimmy Kim,” they said, visibly confusing everyone in the room but Colonel Stars and Stripes, who they were coming to thoroughly appreciate. They pulled an envelope from out of the neckline of their yukata. “I was originally going to give this to someone else to take care of, but if you can take care of Jimmy Kim, I’ll consider joining you.”

Smiles broke out all around, as did a couple cheers, but he only had eyes for the wonderfully practical Colonel Stars and Stripes.

“We look forward to working with you,” the leader of the team said agreeably, taking the envelope.

Well, if he thought Justice Forever could do it without even glancing at the information she’d just provided, he must be certain they could do it. Had probably also found out similar information as what she had provided already – although their information was still undoubtably better given how much they’d found out with a combination of active spying requiring the usage of their illusions and extensive networking. Many a lunchbreak had been spent chatting up important people and protectees.

Yuki slipped the fan into his obi and bowed to Colonel Stars and Stripes and then to the rest of Justice Forever. “It was good to meet you,” they said in goodbye, before leaving the building through the beer lift that they had first entered through.

It had been good. They had met, greeted, and made themselves known to all the new elements stomping around their territory, Colonel Stars and Stripes was proving a welcome distraction and brilliantly competent to the point where they would have felt entirely comfortable leaving their territory in his care for a week or so while they took a vacation were it not for his lack of knowledge of the supernatural underworld. She had even managed to get a feel for the true depths of the others’ inadequacy _and_ get someone else to take

Yuki slipped the fan into his obi and bowed to Colonel Stars and Stripes and then to the rest of Justice Forever. “It was good to meet you,” they said in goodbye, before leaving the building through the beer lift that they had first entered through.

It had been good. They had met, greeted, and made themselves known to all the new elements stomping around their territory, Colonel Stars and Stripes was proving a welcome distraction and brilliantly competent to the point where they would have felt entirely comfortable leaving their territory in his care for a week or so while they took a vacation were it not for his lack of knowledge of the supernatural underworld. She had even managed to get a feel for the true depths of the others’ inadequacy _and_ get someone else to take care of Jimmy Kim instead of going to the inugami she was originally going to approach. This way, they couldn’t be linked back to her human identity.

Yes, it was a good night and a good meeting indeed.

* * *

Yuki quickly hit the ‘send’ button before she could change her mind and back out. They had _agreed_, and maybe it wasn’t quite binding, maybe they hadn’t agreed outright to join if the conditions were fulfilled, but she had said ‘maybe’ and it had been understood to mean ‘yes’. After all, they could hardly afford to be forced under another’s command if someone else found out and took advantage of a promise.

He huffed at his foolishness. It would be a temperate day in the 16 hells of Jigoku before a criminal could take advantage of such a loosely worded and unnegotiated agreement. He must have been spending too long amongst the humans.

With a sigh, they let the illusions of their ears and tails fall. Every zenko-kitsune bound their more obvious inhuman appearance behind oaths and skin-ink wardings just in case they slipped up. But they did miss their ears and tails terribly some days.

She rose to her feet and marched over to the wardrobe. It was time to get dressed in their battle armour.

* * *

“I’m glad you could all come,” they said perched on a table, fan closed and tapping against their lips. “You all did extremely well with Jimmy Kim, so I’m here to uphold my end of the deal. I am now officially joining Justice Forever, so please look after me.”

There was a frankly embarrassing number of cheers and she snapped her fan open to over her entire face.

“Excellent, excellent,” Colonel Stars and Stripes declared. “Now, you’ve got the expertise, but just to keep the chain of command clear, you’ll be second-in-command after me. That okay?”

They lowered their fan until it was only covering their lower face. “That’s perfect.”

“Now tell us your origin story,” Battle Guy demanded, “You’ve heard us all share ours, so it’s only right that we get to hear yours.”

“Well, I suppose you’re right,” Yuki agreed slowly. She looked away. “It’s not... it does sound rather fantastical.”

“It’s alright,” Night Bitch said soothingly. “We believe you.”

She noticed that none of them assured her that she was not required to tell her story. It was probably considered an initiation ritual.

They turned back to face the small crowd of solemn, understanding faces. He played with his fan, flicking it open and closed. He spun a masterful tale of a familial love beyond blood family, of being but a lowly servant and yet befriending the young princess of a noble house, of the punishments he and his adopted family suffered for daring to rise above their station, of the way the princess he had vowed to take as his sister had been brutally murdered, the blame cast onto the servants and their subsequent deaths. The sacrilege of his sister’s death being used as an excuse by the noble elders to ‘clean house’. His need to protect those serving and his need to educate the powerful to their viler natures and their capacity to rise above them.

It was certainly a moving story judging by a few of the team’s tear-bright eyes. Too, it featured his abandoning vengeance for the redemption of their fictional antagonists.

“Hero-ing is my day job now,” they finished awkwardly. “A couple nightclubs pay me to look after them and I do a lot of stealing from any criminal lairs I raid. It’s not much, but it’s enough to live off of and keep my equipment in good condition if not much else. In recent years I’ve also been accepting donations by civilians which usually goes towards new equipment.”

Several of their new teammates moved closer, making comforting and sympathetic noises. Yuki snapped her fan shut loudly and shook her head. “Never mind all that. I need to be on call at a nightclub in a few, we took much longer than I expected. If you want to contact me, I have these.”

She dumped a small pile of business cards on the table and escaped before the humans could infect her with any more of their insanity.

* * *

Yuki pushed off from the bar they were leaning against. Would people never learn?

Across the room from them, a man was helping a woman to her feet – to take her home, presumably. It was no wonder that the bouncers hadn’t even glanced twice at them. But she had been keeping half an eye on them all evening and had seen that tell-tale flutter of sleeve over the woman’s glass.

They didn’t even bother calling out to the man, just stomped up and thrust her closed fan into his stomach. They flicked their fan open irritably when he groaned at their feet and knocked him out with a slap on the head.

“Sorry about all this,” they said, partially to the drugged woman, partially to the small crowd that had gathered at the sight of their mask. They caught the woman before she could fall over and motioned to a couple of bouncers nearby.

“Marcus, Todd, do me a solid and take care of this human trash for me while I take the lady home?” They toed the unconscious man.

“No problem,” Marcus said in his soothing deep voice, and Todd nodded beside him, “I’ll give Gloria your regards too, since you probably won’t be back before her shift ends.”

“Good man.” Yuki put an arm around the woman’s waist and one of hers around his shoulders. They staggered through the club, then out into the night.

He slapped his earpiece. “Hey, Night Bitch, you free? I’ve got a lady to take home but I don’t really have the time to watch over her until we get there. You mind if I get her into a taxi over to where you are and you can take her the rest of the way home?”

“Sure. I’m at the corner of Avenue A and 14 Street Loop. How long?”

“Corner of Avenue A and 14 Street Loop... should be about 15 minutes by taxi. I’ll send you a text once I’ve sent her off so you know when to expect her. Thanks, Night Bitch.”

They punched a familiar number into their cellphone and ordered a taxi. Yuki had only just finished texting Night Bitch when her phone started blaring an alarm.

Shit.

One of her sponsored clubs was in serious trouble. He silenced it and ran for the staff carpark. Fan stuffed into obi, other paired fan snatched from the storage unit in her motorcycle and stuffed into her obi opposite the first. Helmet quickly jammed on and she was off.

* * *

They skidded to a halt in front of the nightclub, barely taking the time to stand their bike up properly before throwing their helmet at a shocked bystander and all but ripping their sword from its special storage unit.

“Look after my bike for me,” they yelled at the bystander, slamming into the club.

He stormed right into a hostage situation. Four bouncers lay dead on the floor, blood pooling around lethal injuries or in one case, with a broken neck. A bartender with a bloodied nose was held in a tall, muscular woman’s grip.

“I, Nogitsune, have arrived,” he said calmly furious. “Unhand her.”

“Took you long enough,” the black leather-clad man in the middle replied. “Mother Russia, kill her.”

They lunged forwards sword whipping out of its sheath. A crunching of bone. They redirected the strike higher, towards the neck. The Russian woman ducked under their blade, threw out a punch. They let go of their sword, letting it go flying off into a wall and dropped to the ground. She dug her claws in deep to the Russian’s leg as she slid past.

“I don’t know who the fuck you are but you picked the wrong person to fuck with tonight.” he growled, hands wet with blood and fans snapping open.

“I am the Motherfucker and these are my minions, the Toxic Mega-Cunts.”

Yuki launched herself at them with a shriek of inarticulate rage.

The sword-wielding, tattooed man came up to meet her. She slapped away the sword with one fan and sliced up with the other. Whirled around, snapped a fan shut and clubbed the one dressed like a radiation suit to the ground.

A fist slammed into him. He bounced across the floor. Rolled to his feet, slapped the sword away again, swung his closed fan at the other’s throat, who went down gurgling. She leapt over him and immediately went low again, swinging a foot out to send Skull-mask to the floor.

A hand latched onto her foot and she fell to the floor again. She kicked back blindly, keeping an eye on the approaching Russian. Another hand latched on and they finally glanced behind them. Too late. They screamed as the bones in their leg shattered.

A foot slammed into their side. They’d lost track of the Russian, Yuki noted absently as their body wheezed and convulsed at the blow.

“Not so fast now, little fox?” A thickly accented voice spoke from above them.

“Going to pick on someone your own size for once?” they hacked out.

A hand dragged her up by the collar. “Very smart,” the Russian said once they were at eyelevel with her.

The smiled wildly, caught up in the rush of the fight. “I am.” Then they kicked out with both feet.

The metal blades on the bottom of their geta cut deeply into the Russian’s stomach. She flung them through the air. Yuki landed feet-first, geta biting into the wooden counter of the bar.

“Leave,” he shouted to the self-styled ‘Motherfucker’, “before I tear you all to shreds.”

He watched them scuttle off, carrying their unconscious, half crouched on the bar counter and a palmful of throwing blades in each hand. The doors shut behind them as they escaped out the back of the club. He kept alert in case the remaining... what was it again, TMC came back to finish the job regardless of their comrades’ health.

For ten, long, heavy minutes, there was only a dead silence. When the TMC didn’t return, Yuki relaxed, taking their feet out of the still embedded geta and sitting on the counter.

The humans began to cheer and crowd around, but she didn’t hear any of it, feeling a curious underwater sensation. Then the world tilted and there was only black.


End file.
